Time for some funny things I’ve recently seen in the Dec/Jan Reader’s Digest:

Our new neighbors thought our Wi-Fi network name was our last name.  So when they gave us a Christmas card, they addressed it to “The Linksys Family”.

Contributed by Scarlett Buzek:
The line at our local post office was out the door and seeing that only one postal worker was on duty, the customers were getting testy.  To help hurry things along, a customer called out, “How can I help you go faster?”  The postal worker yelled back, “Go home!”

Contributed by Michael McRae:
Filling out a credit care application, my friend came up on this question: “What is your source of income?”  She wrote, “ATM”.

Contributed by Frank Petro-Roy:
From the start of our marriage, my wife and I had one rule: We would always respect hte other’s privacy in the bathroom.  And over the years, we honored that commitment.  That is, until recently. I was sitting on the toilet when my wife barged in, shouting, “Honey, close your eyes. I have to get a towel.”

Contributed by Jim Boehm:
While interviewing a candidate for a receptionist position, I asked one of my standard questions: “What do you see in yourself that you’d like to improve?”  Her response: “my breasts.”

Contributed by Michelle Choate:
Our new hire did not have a great start. On his very first day, he was two and a half hours late. Luckily for him, he called in to explain. “I know this sounds bad,” he began, “but I didn’t realize today was Monday.”

From resumania.com:
The skills section of your resume is where you can impress hiring managers with your qualifications. Or not, as these real examples show:
I offer mediocrity at its best.
I’m try-lingual.
Phone tap.
I’ve got a PhD in human feelings.
Grate communication skills.
Familiar with all faucets of accounting.
PlayStation 2.
Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head.
Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

Funny definitions:
Diplomacy: the art of letting someone else have your way.
Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting

And on a serious note:

From Abigail Adams: To be good, and to do good, is the whole duty of man comprised in a few words.
(I hope we can forgive her statement from the late 1700’s and imply that she meant humankind and not just men.)

Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?     * * *

A few more that I think you’ll enjoy:

I went to a Karaoke bar last night. At first I was afraid. Oh, I was petrified.

One Sunday morning, a preacher told his congregation, “everyone who wants to go to heaven, come down to the front!”. The whole church came forward except one man.  Tinking that maybe the man hadn’t heard him, the preacher repeated the invitation. Again, the man just sat there.  “Sir,” said the preacher, “don’t you want to go to heaven when you die?”  The man replied, “Oh, when I die! I thought you were getting a group ready to go right now.”

A little boy asks his dad, “where does poo come from?”  His father is taken aback by the question but decides to give his son the facts straight up. “Well son,” he says, “food passes down the esophagus by peristalsis. It enters the stomach, wehre digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This extracts the protein before waste product enters the colon. Water is absorbed, whereupon it enters the rectum finally to emerge as poo.” “Wow!,” says the boy, ” so where does Tigger come from?”

 

I’m sure you’ve seen LinkedIn Recommendations; here are 4 that Kendra Eash found and wrote up in the New Yorker:

1. Greg is a rare mix of faux intelligence and stalled ambition. Just when you think he’s completely checked out during a meeting, he’ll ask a rhetorical questions padded with corporate buzzwords or look up from his phone to restate something we already know. A mediocre addition to any company!
2. I’ve had the great fortune of having my bathroom schedule synced with Maria’s for over two years.  Every time we see each other in there, we smile and shake our heads, as if to say, “Here we are again! Peeing at the same time!” I think she’s also responsiblefor the internal newsletter.
3. John and I worked together for more than four years. In that time, I was always impressed by his ability to take many more vacation and personal days than were allotted.  All in all, he’s a real wizard at staying employed.
4. How can I sum up Judy in one paragraph? I can’t, because she will probably rewrite it. A brilliant micromanager and leader of team anxiety, she never met a project she didn’t want to take over.

A few funny things I’ve recently read in Reader’s Digest:

English as a Second Language students try so hard and are so appreciative.  One teacher reported these statements: “You teach English good”, “I will always forget you”, and “I thank you from the heart of my bottom.”

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in a pen, he reports back to the farmer: “all 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheep dog, “but I rounded them up.”

I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi network than my first child.

Seen at mentalfloss.com:
There is a guide to American Culture for Russians visiting the US. Here are three that may make you chuckle:
1)  Women play a greater role in business. Often they insist to be treated exactly as an equal and not as a lady.

2) As a rule, a social invitation will only be on a weekend, and you don’t have to prepare for anything extravagant.  Everything is the same as ours, only with far less booze.

3) “See you later” should not be taken literally.  This is a courtesy statement and no more.