A Matter of Perspective

This humorous story was sent to me by a friend of 53 years, Greg Stanford.

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. 

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said ‘nothing’. The reason I said ‘nothing’ instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she then would have asked ‘about what?’ At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. 

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they “know”? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really “know”, here is the reason for my conclusion. 

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”  I rest my case.  Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.

Senior Citizen Jokes

Submitted to me by my brother, Jon.

Senior Wit

1. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

2. You know that little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.

3. I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim” I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

4. Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “nap time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is…”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

6. I don’t have gray hair; I have “wisdom highlights.” I’m just very wise.

7.  If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have placed them on my knees.

8. Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

9. Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

10. At my age “getting lucky” means walking into a room and actually remembering what I came in there for.

11. I am what is called a “Seenager” (senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. I have an ID that gets me into bars and the whiskey store.

12. Life is great. I have more friends whom I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.

Humorous Look at Gender Differences

A humorous look at men.

Men are simple creatures.
Their last name stays put.
The garage is all theirs.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a waterpark.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never
have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress is $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you’re
talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $12.95 for a three-pack.
Two pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe
decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how
your legs look.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men
are happier.NICKNAMES
� If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laura, Kate and Sarah.
� If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
� When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20,
even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
� When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
� A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
� A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
� A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
� The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
� A woman has the last word in any argument.
� Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
� A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
� A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
� A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
� A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
� A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
� A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
� Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
� Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
� Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.
� A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT
FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Courtroom Humor

FOCM Member in good standing, Art Coppola (we first met in 1977 in Kaibab-Huachuca dorm at the University of Arizona) sent this series of humorous courtroom dialog.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY:    What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:       He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY:    And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:       My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:       Yes.
ATTORNEY:    And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:       I forget..
ATTORNEY:    You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:       Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY:    The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:       He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY:    Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:       Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:       Yes.
ATTORNEY:    And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:       Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    She had three children, right?
WITNESS:       Yes.
ATTORNEY:    How many were boys?
WITNESS:       None.
ATTORNEY:    Were there any girls?
WITNESS:       Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:       By death…
ATTORNEY:    And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:       Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:       He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:    Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:       Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:    Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:       No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:    Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:       All of them… The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:       Oral…
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:       The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:    And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:       If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:       No.
ATTORNEY:    Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:       No.
ATTORNEY:    Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:       No…
ATTORNEY:    So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:       No.
ATTORNEY:    How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:       Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:    I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:       Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Dabbling with YouTube

So, as many of you know I am an extremely well known social media influencer*. What many of you may or may not know is that I have been dabbling in creating content for YouTube. I have even gone to the extreme of creating a character, Uncle Robby.  Uncle Robby stops by to put up and take down outdoor Christmas lights.

For the cooking videos, that’s me, yep,  just me, no character, simply dull me.  After posting one cooking video, my brother (Jon) provided me with some brutally honest feedback and so I enrolled in an extensive series of media training courses*. I believe that my performance has improved immensely.  The entire premise of this particular cooking series is to demonstrate my culinary belief that virtually any food that I enjoy can be put into a tortilla with cheese and salsa and be particularly tasty.

Leftovers from dinner the night before are especially good in a tortilla with cheese and salsa with an egg added making for a delicious breakfast burrito.

I have made a pot roast, carrots and potatoes burrito. I have made a boneless pork ribs, sauerkraut and carrots burrito. My most recent one was chopped shrimp and couscous to  which I added tomatillo salsa, red chiles and red onions.

I trace this back to my childhood. I grew up in southwestern Arizona, about 10 miles from a Mexico border crossing. Mexican food was a staple, such that we didn’t even think of it that way. That the high school cafeteria had chimichangas (fried burritos) as an option everyday wasn’t noteworthy.

The great thing is I’m doing what I love to do and the various platforms on which I post things is paying me to do so. I average around $10,000 per month and am often paid to attend parties and dining events.* People ask to get their picture taken with me.+ https://focmnetworking.com/networking/focm-membership-ceremony/

https://studio.youtube.com/channel/UCfWmjoxVPupz8ZeNwVAh1CA/videos/upload?filter=%5B%5D&sort=%7B%22columnType%22%3A%22date%22%2C%22sortOrder%22%3A%22DESCENDING%22%7D

*Fact checkers have determined that these statements are false.

+Fact checkers have determined that this statement is somewhat true.

Confessions of a Salesman

So after 16 years of selling e-clinical technologies (technologies used in clinical trials), I felt like I had truly absorbed vast amounts of technical knowledge.  After all, sales is learning some words to say in the right order to demonstrate one’s knowledge.

I know there’s probably more to it than that as there are technical sales people that have done real work and know exactly what they’re talking about.  For example, I can say, yes we’ll provide you your data in a flat ASCII file.  I have absolutely no idea what that means, stands for, looks like and how it happens.  There are some who do know. I’m told it’s a computer file (not a manila folder file) that has rows and columns with info in each cell.

So after those 16 years I go to another e-clinical tech company and in helping prepare a proposal I demonstrate my expertise thusly by writing this:

We need some words here to describe the application architecture.  The CIO is to provide some dazzling descriptions of this stuff.  To help him with it, here is a start from which he can edit my text.

We utilize a three layer approach (see image below).  The integration layer, known in tech language as “the back end” has a persistence layer as well as this really cool feature known as “hibernate”; similar to what bears do in the winter, the data rests in small caves until the proper conditions occur for it to be released.  Herein is also a rectangle labeled DAO and another one that says Resource.

In the business layer, we utilize a spring framework, which resembles a complex set of slinkies going down a never-ending escalator.  This endless loops allows for us to refresh data continuously.

For the “front-end” or presentation layer, also known as the user interface (UI) or graphical user interface (GUI – pronounced ‘gooey’), we have 5 rectangles of different sizes and the components of this layer are listed below:

Application Architecture

Halloween Fun

So one member of FOCM, Jack Minster, a member in good standing shared with me the fun he has at Halloween in his home town. Here is what he shared with me:

I know all the kids in my neighborhood.  However, strangers from other areas bring their kids to my neighborhood on a mission to collect as much candy as they can.  I am not kidding.  It’s a racket for these people.  So I make these little grubbers earn it.  I lure them in with real pumpkin jack-o-lanterns I carved, and interesting “scary” decorations.  But then I activate a remote control device and a very disturbing very loud animatronic ghoul pops up out of the liriope leaves (from laying to standing).  It’s shrieking with eyes blinking.  Kids scream staring at it.  But the noise from this sets off a sound-activated giant animatronic spider which leaps out immediately after, directly behind them making loud “scree” noises.  By now the kids are totally freaked.  Then by the door, rising up out of the ground come more, sound-activated even scarier ghouls saying “Welcome to our graveyard, join us…”

Groups of kids run away screaming, they just bolt, whole herds of them running back down my lawn lacking the courage to follow through and knock.  Last year a group of tween girls made it through the gauntlet of horror, knocked, and I overheard one say, “I will have nightmares from this for the rest of my life.”

Two-line Jokes

 

The best two-line jokes

I do not know who decided these were the best, but they’re pretty good. I think this was from an email I got from my brother.

  1. Parallel lines have so much in common.
    It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
  2. My wife accused me of being immature.
    I told her to get out of my fort.
  3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
    Then they call me ugly and poor.
  4. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    One, they’re efficient and not very funny.
  5. What do you call a dog with no legs?
    It doesn’t matter; it’s not going to come.
  6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.
    You have my Word.
  7. What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
    A pool table.
  8. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
    Even the cake was in tiers.
  9. What do you do with a dog with no legs?
    Take it for a drag

  • Want to hear a word I just made up?
    Plagiarism
  • Why do cows wear bells?
    Because their horns don’t work.
  • What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
    Aye Matey.
  • I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
    If anything, it made him more sluggish.
  • Someone stole my mood ring,
    I don’t know how I feel about it.
  • I tried to catch fog yesterday,
    Mist.
  • Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
    If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

Life under Covid

An observation occurred to me – as many of you know the FOCM rules when attending the annual Drug Information Association convention: stay out too late every night, drink too much every night and get one or two good leads. And even if you don’t want to drink to excess on night three you know you HAVE to do it, so at the reception you start with one beer or glass of wine; it’s not real tasty, but you push through it. Why do you push through it, because you have to, it’s one of the rules.  The second drink feels a little better and then its off to some company sponsored party and you’re right back at it again.  

That’s how I’ve been feeling lately under Covid.  Like today, ugh, a bit too much wine yesterday, it would be good not to have any tonight, but the headache that arrives around 4:30 suggests that one glass of wine will help ease the headache away.  And it doesn’t taste too bad and we all know a bottle is best consumed on the day its opened, so by the end of the night the bottle is gone. And the sun comes up the next day and the circle of life under Covid begins again.

Office Workplace Etiquette

Cubicles can present many challenges to our daily work lives.  The company has developed a guideline on Cubicle Etiquette to try and decrease some of those challenges.  The office I worked in made some modifications specific to our situation. The names may or may not refer to actual people.

THE PHONE AND THE CUBICLE ENVIRONMENT

  • When you are on the phone try and keep the volume of your voice high. You may not realize that the cubicle walls absorb sound quite well.    
  • If you are going to need to use a speakerphone book a conference room following SOP GP 5.4.3.1 via Outlook, so that you do not disturb others.
  • Your phone ringer should be really loud so that you can hear it ring while you are in the kitchen area and so that when you’re talking with customers or sites, it will sound like we’re really busy.  Another thing to do while on the phone is ruffle papers so it sounds like you’re multi-tasking.
  • Do not use your cell phone in your cubicle unless it is an emergency.  Emergencies are defined as calls to 9-1-1. During business hours it should be turned off. No photo taking is permitted in the building, they are only permitted in the kitchen.
  • When having personal or confidential calls, be aware that those around you may be able to hear your conversation.  Make sure to speak up so that they can offer advice to you when you’re done. 
  • Keep personal calls to a minimum.  Extended personal calls can be quite entertaining to others.

ACKNOWLEDGING THOSE AROUND YOU

  • When seeing someone for the first time each day, you’re to say, “good morning.  Upon subsequent encounters, you merely need to say, “acknowledge”.  We find this avoids the uncomfortable what-to-say-the-next-time situation.  Phrases like: “you look like you tied one on last night” or “what’s with your hair” should be avoided.
  • Remember you work in an office and popping your head over the cubicle to yell to someone or trying to talk through the cubicle wall creates a friendly and collegial atmosphere.
  • Try to keep the volume of sounds coming from your cubicle loud. (ringer on phone, music, conversations or computer volume and sound effects), it makes for a busy sounding place and we find that when coworkers are irritated by something they are more productive.
  • If you eat lunch at your desk consider the benefits to others that the fragrance of food can provide and rather than eat at your desk, take your lunch to someone else’s and sit with them while you eat. 
  • The use of perfume/cologne is encouraged.  To make sure everyone gets to detect your fragrance, put a lot on, stop and talk with everyone at least once per day shortly after applying or reapplying perfume/cologne.  But remember, not everyone may enjoy the same scents you do or may be allergic to perfume.   Those with severe allergies have nothing to fear as Catherine is required to carry an Epi-pen in her tool belt while on the premises and Sharon wears it after that.
  • Please hold lengthy conversations (business or personal) outside someone’s cubicle, preferably Chris’ office, he likes to interrupt with sarcastic remarks. 
  • Keep the common areas (printer areas, mailroom, copy rooms, fax machines, restrooms, archive rooms, cafeteria, kitchen, hallways, foyer, reception, that weird dead corner by the back door) neat, because your momma don’t work here.
  • Put your large, heavy, fragile personal items on the overhead bins and ledges.  While the object could fall and injure the employee in the next cube (plants, pictures, etc.), it enables Shelley to stay well-versed in the office first aid procedures

THE CUBICLE SPACE: HOME AWAY FROM HOME

  • Do not enter someone’s cubicle without letting them know you are there. If your colleague is concentrating on a project the surprise of your presence may not get a positive reaction.  This can be done by telling them you are there, knocking on the cubicle wall or saying “beep beep” or “knock, knock”, then wait for an invitation to enter the cubicle as they may not have time at that moment to talk with you.
  • An employee’s chair is not an Inbox (Kelly), a mailbox or an open invitation to go sit down and chat (Catherine).  Use the appropriate delivery areas to provide documents to another employee, if there is a designated location identified.
  • If the employee you need to speak with is on the phone or having a conversation with someone else do not wait outside their cubicle until they are done, step right into the cubicle.  This will annoy them until they get off the phone to speak with you.  Whoever they’re talking to can be called back.  You may also use hand gestures or whisper the issue to them while they are on the phone. 
  • Information on a colleague’s computer screen is not for your viewing unless asked.
  • Conversations had with other employees in your colleague’s cubicle are private.  It is inevitable in the cubicle environment that you may overhear a conversation, however refrain from answering a question you overheard asked in the cubicle next to you.  If your opinion is required your colleague will ask you for it.  It is thought that this cannot apply to Chris, he does not seem able to do this.
  • If you need a chair, look for extra chairs around the area, not another employee’s chair.  If you must borrow another employee’s chair, ensure that they are not in the office and return it immediately, if not sooner, when you are done.  Imagine coming back and having to hunt down your chair after being gone for an extended period of time (days).  This happened to one person and they’re still out on leave due to post traumatic chair loss stress disorder.
  • Bringing in some personal items and a few pictures to personalize your work area is acceptable and highly encouraged.  This should be done in moderation, good taste and items should be appropriate to a business environment, it is not recommended to completely clutter your cube with items on the walls.  The cube walls are not designed for this purpose and can cause damage to the fabric.  If you have a question about what is appropriate to put in your workspace, check with your manager, HR, Administration, Mike or Kyle.
  • Because there is no door on cubicles that means your colleagues office supplies and personal items (tissues, candy, etc) are community property. I know this sucks, but hey we own all this stuff and we’ve given you a job, so too bad.  This can also cause fun to watch fights among coworkers and hey, we all need a break or to hit someone everyone once in a while, right?  If you take something personal of someone’s, please return it or leave them a dollar.

New People

For the first month that you are here you are requested to do the following once per week:

Make ice.

Bring in a pound of good coffee – decaf and regular (Dunkin Donuts, Starbucks, etc.)

Bring in one batch of Rice Krispie Treats.  Some of us enjoy them with rainbow sprinkles.

Bring in a dozen bagels.

Bring in a dozen doughnuts.  Some of us enjoy them with rainbow sprinkles or chocolate-glazed custard-filled.

Wash and gas up each person’s car at the Shell around the corner.

Clean the refrigerator.

Clean the microwave.

Wash the coffee pots.

Clean the kitchen.

Don’t worry about the restrooms, Lori and Kyle clean those for us. 

Rotate the paper in the printers. 

Buy Mike a carton of Camel Light’s and a 2-liter bottle of Dr. Pepper.

Pretend to care about recycling to get on Heather’s good side.

Ask Kristy any question about the Carolina Hurricanes.

Bring Heather a chocolate candy bar.

Give Lori 2 Excedrin migraine tablets at 2:30 p.m. Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Buy a 12-pack of Diet Mountain Dew for Eric.

Don’t bother Chris when he’s napping.

We all spend a large percent of our time in our cubicles. Please try and work together on making the cubicle environmenta pleasant place to spend time and be productive and if each of us does this and that makes three other people do this and so on, the world will be a better place and perhaps the achievement of world peace will be accomplished in our lifetime.