Two-line Jokes

 

The best two-line jokes

I do not know who decided these were the best, but they’re pretty good. I think this was from an email I got from my brother.

  1. Parallel lines have so much in common.
    It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
  2. My wife accused me of being immature.
    I told her to get out of my fort.
  3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
    Then they call me ugly and poor.
  4. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    One, they’re efficient and not very funny.
  5. What do you call a dog with no legs?
    It doesn’t matter; it’s not going to come.
  6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.
    You have my Word.
  7. What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
    A pool table.
  8. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
    Even the cake was in tiers.
  9. What do you do with a dog with no legs?
    Take it for a drag

  • Want to hear a word I just made up?
    Plagiarism
  • Why do cows wear bells?
    Because their horns don’t work.
  • What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
    Aye Matey.
  • I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
    If anything, it made him more sluggish.
  • Someone stole my mood ring,
    I don’t know how I feel about it.
  • I tried to catch fog yesterday,
    Mist.
  • Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
    If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

Office Dress Code Rules – A Look Back

So way back in 2006 working with a great group of folks in starting a Raleigh area office for a global organization, we were a somewhat rebellious and humorous group. When HR in Headquarters would send out policies, we’d create our own version for our office, as shown in the example below: (last names have been left out to protect people’s identities)

DRESS CODE

An employee’s professional appearance is very important.  It reflects a respect for ourselves as well as for the people we are serving.  Your appearance says a lot about you and is an important part of your performance appraisal.  Therefore, all employees of the Company are expected to dress appropriately in a professional, clean, businesslike, well-groomed manner.  The Company has adopted certain days as “Business Casual” and “Dress down Days.”  Employees are permitted to dress accordingly within the defined guidelines.  Styles that are currently fashionable may not be appropriate for work.  Accessories, hosiery, jewelry and perfume or scented cosmetic use should be conservative.  Noncompliance with the standards of dress as stated in this policy may result in disciplinary action up to and including dismissal.

Business Dress:  To be worn at sites and as required by management in the office.  Conservative suits, ties, dresses and professional coordinated pantsuits.

Business Casual:  Usually acceptable Monday – Thursday.  Clothing that is neat and professional, such as slacks, sport shirts, casual dresses, and shirts, cream or white pants with shades of pastel blue blouses (which can be worn daily), split skirts or skorts of an appropriate length.  No jeans (except for Chris M), chacos, flipflops (faux rainbows are okay for Chris L), lounge/pajama pants (except for Kourtney when she uses the barely believable skin rash excuse), basketball shoes, kickball shoes, pants that unzip to become shorts (except for Lori), baseball caps (unless worn backwards) or leggings. 

Dress Down Day:  Usually each Friday, except for NC office where it appears that everyday is Dress Down Day.  Acceptable: Neat “dress jeans” with no holes, rips or tears (Heather), neat clean sneakers or casual shoes.  During warmer weather, conservative sandals, walking length shorts (Bermuda length shorts, and Capri pants are permitted. Maternity umbro shorts with expandable waistband are okay for Lori.

Not appropriate:  Baseball caps, motorcycle helmets (Mike), tee shirts, tank tops, gym clothes, Umbro-type shorts (Lori), cutoff shorts or shirts, tank tops, flip-flops, chacos (Heather), water shoes, Chewbacca costume (except for Greg), thongs (flip-flops), beach slides, swimsuits, bandannas, bathrobes, lingerie, hockey jerseys (except for Kristy) cowboy boots while wearing shorts, black mid-calf socks with plaid Bermuda shorts or with any shorts for that matter, dress shoes with jeans, belt with your name on it, shirts with sayings or slogans that others, not Mike, may find offensive.  An exception is Mike’s Pink Salmon slogan shirt, because that’s just too damn funny, while being totally inappropriate.

Joke: Duck walks into a bar

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, “Hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” Exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working, too,” Says the duck. “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”

“Certainly, sorry about that,” says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint.

“It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” Explains the duck.  “I’m a plasterer.”

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, “You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”

“Sounds marvelous,”says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

“Get him to give me a call.”

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, “Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”

“I’m always looking for the next job,” Says the duck.

“Where is it?”

“At the circus,” says the barman.

“The circus?” Repeats the duck.

“That’s right,” replies the barman.

“The circus?” The duck asks again, “with the big tent?”

“Yeah,” the barman replies.

“With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?” says the duck.

“Of course,” the barman replies.

“And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.

“That’s right!” says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. ………
.

.

.

.

.

.

“Why the hell would they need a plasterer??!”

Funny things I have read

Seen in the Readers Digest Feb 2020 edition (www.rd.com)

Social Media accidents:

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday – @thecatwhisperer

Accidentally changed my Facebook status to “single” and my mother-in-law posted, “WOO-HOO!” – @brianhope

Accidentally posted “happy buttday” instead of “Happy Birthday” on a Facebook Friend’s wall – @parkerlawyer

As we watched a program about a man with agoraphobia, my wife asked, “Is that a disability?”. “Yes”, I said. “Maybe I have that”, said my wife. I shook my head and said, “No, he’s afraid to leave the house. You just like to stay home.”

Excuses that ministers have heard for why people skip church:
– I couldn’t get the lid off the peanut butter
– The church is too close to drive and too far to walk
– Both of my girlfriends attend church there
– The pastor stays in the Bible too much
– The pastor is too attractive. When I see him preaching I have impure thoughts and I am distracted
– My wife cooked bacon for breakfast and our entire family smelled like bacon
– The worship leader pulls up his pants too often. It’s distracting
– I always get hemorrhoids on Sundays.
– Someone called me ‘brother’ instead of using my name

Entering Possibly Humorous Zone

So I don’t know how or why, probably genetics has a lot to do with it, I take a light-hearted approach to life and look to find the humor in things or just make up the humor. Peter Holthe, the driving force that made FOCM happen, called me irreverent. Having just looked it up, it means: showing a lack of respect for people or things that are generally taken seriously. I don’t intend to show a lack of respect but I like humor more than seriousness. Of course there’s a time and a place for both. But funny observations are always just under the serious stuff for me.

So my twin brother recently must have been surfing the web, maybe Wikipedia and spent time on the origin of the names of a couple of America’s states: Idaho and Texas. Below will be what he wrote and what I replied with.

My brother sent this: The name “Idaho” has no translation at all because it’s entirely made up. In an early form of marketing that would make these modern-day businesses proud, the name was suggested by a local leader in 1860 who claimed the word “Idaho” was a Native American word for “gem of the mountains.” Later that same year, gold was discovered in the Clearwater area, proving his invented name wasn’t far off base.

To which I replied: That’s close to accurate.  It was made up, but it was “Idano” and a typesetting issue on the old printing press mistakenly set the n as an h.  Quite easy to do as they are close to each other. The name “Idano” was because when others heading west asked the people in what is now Idaho, why they stopped there and didn’t go any further, their answer was “idano”.

Then he sent this about Texas: Like the Dakotas, Texas was named with friendship in mind. Texas is a variant of a word (Teysha) used by some Native Americans to refer to friends or allies. It has many different spellings, including “Texias,” “Tejas,” and “Teysas.”

To which I replied: A variant book of name origins reveals this: Like the Carolinas, Texas was named after a particular member of the royal family, albeit, for Texas, it was a lesser known Earl of a small, rural Scottish Isle.  His name was Tex, Earl of the Isle of Mull.  Tex was rather eccentric and thought being Earl meant he was King of his Isle.  When people would see something new or different on the isle, they’d ask “whose is that?” The answer was always “it’s Tex’s”.  Tex did little actual work and spent a lot of time thinking – coincidentally Tex is the reason that to “mull” it over means to think on something.  Tex’s incompetency lead to his eventual over throw and he was sent to the new colonies. He eventually settled in what is now Odessa. He got very active in the public square where his eccentricities and overblown ego eventually resulted in the state being named Texas.

Political Parody

My Mom purchased a subscription to Weekly Standard for me several years ago.  Yes, it leans conservative but the editors are definitely not pro-Trump.

One of the things I enjoy about it is the last page is usually a parody of a real story or headline and they take off with it and have fun.  This one made me chuckle.  They start with the true story of Elizabeth Warren and her DNA test revealing that she does have some Native American ancestory.

Eliz Warren

Funny things I’ve recently seen

From the September 2018 issue of Readers Digest:

I go to a bar and ask “what’s the wi-fi password?”
Bartender replies: You need to buy a drink first.
I reply, “okay, I’ll have a beer”
Bartender: that’ll be $5.
I pay him and say, “ok, so what’s the password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first, no spaces, all lowercase.”

A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly confides to his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says “my owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German Shepherd and I’m as nervous as a hamster.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle, “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

I hate when I see an old person and then realize I went to high school with them.

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game of Monopoly.
– Steven Wright

 

Quotes taken out of context

As some of you know, when I hear someone say something that, if taken out of context strikes me funny, I make note of it.  I’ve done this for years at corporate meetings and have published many of them at this website.

Being out of larger corporations and their penchant for meetings, meetings and more meetings, I’m not presented with as many opportunities.  Here are a few captured over the past 3 years in a variety of settings:

I drink a lot, all the time.
– Michelle Jacobson, 7/14/2015

My beer is always full of fridge.
– Michelle Jacobson, 7/14/2015

The men are easy.
– Kelly O’Brien, 7/14/2015

She just changed reality!
– Chris Matheus (date unrecorded)

Sooner or later, everything happens.
– Kevin Clover, May 2018

How not to get hired

Reprinting this from a Reader’s Digest:

These are things not to do when interviewing.  These were provided by hiring managers:

  • Candidate specified that his availability was limited because Friday, Saturday and Sunday was “drinking time”.
  • Candidate explained an arrest by stating, “We stole the pig, but it was a really small pig.”
  • Advertising is a tough business.  Which may be why one prospective adman wrote a cover letter boasting, “I am getting to my goal, slowly but surly.”