Tag: humor

Recent Amusing Things I Have Read

From the May 2017 Readers Digest come these humorous items:

Sent in from Kendall Barrowes from Spanish Fork, Utah:
“Our friend her her four-year-old son were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant when in walked a man covered in tattoos.  The boy turned to him and said, “looks like somebody got into the markers.”

Sent in from Natalia Skrodzki:
“one of my biggest fears is that I’ll marry into a family that runs 5Ks on holidays.”

Sent in from Kristine Binaco, Fair Haven, New Jersey:
“I texted my husband to tell him that I’d be out of touch for a bit since I planned to color my hair.  Thanks to autocorrect, here’s what he read: After I finish my cup of coffee, I am going to die. You may not be able to reach me while I’m in the midst of that.”

In a tweet from Goldengateblond:
“Just saw Luke Perry on the cover of the AARP magazine, in case they ask for my cause of death.”

And lastly some real reviews as seen on Zagat:

  • “breaking bread” should not mean you have to use the side of the table.
  • I thought I was looking at an oil painting when suddenly it moved. It was my waitress.
  • The only way the tables could be closer together would be to stack them.
  • The duck was tired, tough and it took 90 minutes to arrive. It must have had a long flight.
  • Primary attraction was the small wildlife wandering across the table.
  • The chef keeps renaming and relocating the restaurant like it’s a member of the Federal Witness Protection Program.
  • The waiter repeatedly called my aging parents ‘coach’ and ‘darling’.
  • Overpriced and undergood.

Jokes contributed by FOCM Members

So one of FOCM’s members texts me random humorous items.  I share some of them with you today:

What did the ocean say to the sailboat?
Nothing.  It just waved.

 

What did General Custer say at Little Big Horn when he saw the Indians coming?
“Here come the Indians.”

 

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball against each other?
Juan on Juan

 

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.  So a United Way worker paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The United Way guy opened the meeting by saying, “our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity.  Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?”

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “uh…no, I didn’t know that.”

“Secondly,” says the laywer, “did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

“Thirdly, did you research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten says, “I’m so sorry, I had no idea.”

And the lawyer says, “So, if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?”