Tag: readers digest

Funny things I have read

Seen in the Readers Digest Feb 2020 edition (www.rd.com)

Social Media accidents:

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday – @thecatwhisperer

Accidentally changed my Facebook status to “single” and my mother-in-law posted, “WOO-HOO!” – @brianhope

Accidentally posted “happy buttday” instead of “Happy Birthday” on a Facebook Friend’s wall – @parkerlawyer

As we watched a program about a man with agoraphobia, my wife asked, “Is that a disability?”. “Yes”, I said. “Maybe I have that”, said my wife. I shook my head and said, “No, he’s afraid to leave the house. You just like to stay home.”

Excuses that ministers have heard for why people skip church:
– I couldn’t get the lid off the peanut butter
– The church is too close to drive and too far to walk
– Both of my girlfriends attend church there
– The pastor stays in the Bible too much
– The pastor is too attractive. When I see him preaching I have impure thoughts and I am distracted
– My wife cooked bacon for breakfast and our entire family smelled like bacon
– The worship leader pulls up his pants too often. It’s distracting
– I always get hemorrhoids on Sundays.
– Someone called me ‘brother’ instead of using my name

Funny things I’ve recently seen

From the September 2018 issue of Readers Digest:

I go to a bar and ask “what’s the wi-fi password?”
Bartender replies: You need to buy a drink first.
I reply, “okay, I’ll have a beer”
Bartender: that’ll be $5.
I pay him and say, “ok, so what’s the password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first, no spaces, all lowercase.”

A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly confides to his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says “my owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German Shepherd and I’m as nervous as a hamster.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle, “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

I hate when I see an old person and then realize I went to high school with them.

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game of Monopoly.
– Steven Wright

 

More Funny Things I Have Seen

More humor seen in Reader’s Digest:

The chihuahua at my vet’s office was quiet right up until a huge Rottweiler came in.  Suddenly, the six-pounder became Cujo -barking and growling.  It’s owner said, “oh please, the only way you could hurt that dog was if you got stuck in its throat.”

Parent tweets:
Four year old said he went potty and I asked if it was number 1 or 2 – he said 7, i’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I can’t find my kid’s birth certificate, but apparently I saved one for every Build-a-Bear we own in a special file because I’m insane.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and her little dog.

Remember Brexit – shorthand for British Exit, here are some names for other countries if they wish to exit the country groups to which they belong:

  • Czechout
  • AufWeiderSpain
  • Boltswana
  • Fleeji
  • Scootland
  • Dubaibye
  • Afghaniscram
  • Farewales

What if the person who named “walkie-talkies” named other things:

Forks would be stabby-grabbies
Wigs would be hairy-wearies
Socks would be feetie-heaties
Defibrillators would be hearty-starties.

Recent Amusing Things I Have Read

From the May 2017 Readers Digest come these humorous items:

Sent in from Kendall Barrowes from Spanish Fork, Utah:
“Our friend her her four-year-old son were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant when in walked a man covered in tattoos.  The boy turned to him and said, “looks like somebody got into the markers.”

Sent in from Natalia Skrodzki:
“one of my biggest fears is that I’ll marry into a family that runs 5Ks on holidays.”

Sent in from Kristine Binaco, Fair Haven, New Jersey:
“I texted my husband to tell him that I’d be out of touch for a bit since I planned to color my hair.  Thanks to autocorrect, here’s what he read: After I finish my cup of coffee, I am going to die. You may not be able to reach me while I’m in the midst of that.”

In a tweet from Goldengateblond:
“Just saw Luke Perry on the cover of the AARP magazine, in case they ask for my cause of death.”

And lastly some real reviews as seen on Zagat:

  • “breaking bread” should not mean you have to use the side of the table.
  • I thought I was looking at an oil painting when suddenly it moved. It was my waitress.
  • The only way the tables could be closer together would be to stack them.
  • The duck was tired, tough and it took 90 minutes to arrive. It must have had a long flight.
  • Primary attraction was the small wildlife wandering across the table.
  • The chef keeps renaming and relocating the restaurant like it’s a member of the Federal Witness Protection Program.
  • The waiter repeatedly called my aging parents ‘coach’ and ‘darling’.
  • Overpriced and undergood.