The best two-line jokes

I do not know who decided these were the best, but they’re pretty good. I think this was from an email I got from my brother.

1. Parallel lines have so much in common.
   It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
2. My wife accused me of being immature.
   I told her to get out of my fort.
3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
   Then they call me ugly and poor.
4. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   One, they’re efficient and not very funny.
5. What do you call a dog with no legs?
   It doesn’t matter; it’s not going to come.
6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.
   You have my Word.
7. What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
   A pool table.
8. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
   Even the cake was in tiers.

9. What do you do with a dog with no legs?
   Take it for a drag

• Want to hear a word I just made up?
  Plagiarism
• Why do cows wear bells?
  Because their horns don’t work.
• What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
  Aye Matey.
• I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
  If anything, it made him more sluggish.
• Someone stole my mood ring,
  I don’t know how I feel about it.
• I tried to catch fog yesterday,
  Mist.
• Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
  If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.