I’m sure you’ve seen LinkedIn Recommendations; here are 4 that Kendra Eash found and wrote up in the New Yorker:

1. Greg is a rare mix of faux intelligence and stalled ambition. Just when you think he’s completely checked out during a meeting, he’ll ask a rhetorical questions padded with corporate buzzwords or look up from his phone to restate something we already know. A mediocre addition to any company!
2. I’ve had the great fortune of having my bathroom schedule synced with Maria’s for over two years.  Every time we see each other in there, we smile and shake our heads, as if to say, “Here we are again! Peeing at the same time!” I think she’s also responsiblefor the internal newsletter.
3. John and I worked together for more than four years. In that time, I was always impressed by his ability to take many more vacation and personal days than were allotted.  All in all, he’s a real wizard at staying employed.
4. How can I sum up Judy in one paragraph? I can’t, because she will probably rewrite it. A brilliant micromanager and leader of team anxiety, she never met a project she didn’t want to take over.

A few funny things I’ve recently read in Reader’s Digest:

English as a Second Language students try so hard and are so appreciative.  One teacher reported these statements: “You teach English good”, “I will always forget you”, and “I thank you from the heart of my bottom.”

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in a pen, he reports back to the farmer: “all 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheep dog, “but I rounded them up.”

I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi network than my first child.

Seen at mentalfloss.com:
There is a guide to American Culture for Russians visiting the US. Here are three that may make you chuckle:
1)  Women play a greater role in business. Often they insist to be treated exactly as an equal and not as a lady.

2) As a rule, a social invitation will only be on a weekend, and you don’t have to prepare for anything extravagant.  Everything is the same as ours, only with far less booze.

3) “See you later” should not be taken literally.  This is a courtesy statement and no more.

can’t remember where I read this, but I like this type of humor.  What do you call it?  Pun?

It’s hard to explain things to kleptomaniacs, they take things literally.

(should this have a comma after “things”, so that people pause when reading it, as it would be said)?

These next ones are from FOCM Member Andrew Smith:

Do you know why a koala isn’t considered a real bear?
They don’t have the koalafications.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

 

Saw this today and loved it – will give you a chuckle on hump day

Funny Obituary

Obituary of William Ziegler

He assures us he is gone

William Ziegler escaped this mortal realm on Friday, July 29, 2016 at the age of 69.
We think he did it on purpose to avoid having to make a decision in the pending presidential election.

He leaves behind four children, five grandchildren, and the potted meat industry, for which he was an unofficial spokesman until dietary restrictions forced him to eat real food.

William volunteered for service in the United States Navy at the ripe old age of 17 and immediately realized he didn’t much enjoy being bossed around. He only stuck it out for one war.

Before his discharge, however, the government exchanged numerous ribbons and medals for various honorable acts.

Upon his return to the City of New Orleans in 1971, thinking it best to keep an eye on him, government officials hired William as a fireman.

After twenty-five years, he suddenly realized that running away from burning buildings made more sense than running toward them. He promptly retired.

Looking back, William stated that there was no better group of morons and mental patients than those he had the privilege of serving with (except Bob, he never liked you, Bob).

Following his wishes, there will not be a service, but wellwishers are encouraged to write a note of farewell on a Schaefer Light beer can and drink it in his honor.

He was never one for sentiment or religiosity, but he wanted you to know that if he owes you a beer, and if you can find him in Heaven, he will gladly allow you to buy him another.

He can likely be found forwarding tasteless internet jokes (check your spam folder, but don’t open these at work). Expect to find an alcoholic dog named Judge passed out at his feet. Unlike previous times, this is not a ploy to avoid creditors or old girlfriends. He assures us that he is gone. He will be greatly missed.

As some of you know, the founder of FOCM, enjoys reality (or as I refer to it: train wreck) TV shows.  I have some limits – like I no longer watch Survivor or Big Brother – but boy do I love me some Bachelor/Bachelorette drama!  I enjoyed E Online’s review of last night’s show.

On a side note, I think Carly is awesomely funny, her comments and laughter are a highlight each week.

Bachelor in Paradise Review – E Online

Alligators – do we really need them any more? Thousands of other species have become extinct, can’t we finish off the alligators and crocodiles? They’re a remnant from prehistoric times.

Alligators flat out KILL people.  Guns don’t kill people, loaded guns shot at people kill people.

Where is the outrage?  Can’t we control this somehow?  Make alligators get a background check and wait 3 days before attacking a human.  Let’s ban assault alligators!

Saw these in the April 2016 Reader’s Digest:

People are less quick to applaud you as you grow older.  Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there.
– Sloane Crosley; writer, from her book “I Was Told There’d be Cake”

Children’s answers to test questions as seen in the book F in Exams: Complete Failure Edition by Richard Benson.

Q: Use the word congenial in a sentence.
A: When you leave the gravy out too long, it congenials.

Q: The first thing Queen Elizabeth II did upon ascending the throne was to…
A: Sit down.

Q: Write a sentence containing a double negative.
A: Mike is ugly and he smells.

Q: Name two plays by Shakespeare.
A: Romeo and Juliet

Q: On what grounds was Aaron Burr tried for treason?
A: New York

Q: Write about the importance of  animals in Of Mice and Men.
A: The mice are very important – without them, you’d have only the men.

Q: Use the word doldrums in a sentence.
A: I cannot play the doldrums.

 

Sometimes I have googled things like: “wedding toasts” or “resignation letter” to find examples.  Recently I looked up “farewell emails to coworkers” and saw that there are some good resources and examples out there.  Recently while cleaning out my file folders, I found one and thought I’d offer it as a guide or template from which someone can edit.

Hello amigos,

As some of you know, I’m actually 73 years old and despite the injections of botox, HGH and lipsosuction procedures, I’m beginning to age.  The time has come for me to take some time off and get more procedures done all at once.  Recovery will take a while and I’ll not be able to be seen in public.  I’ve resigned from _____ effective _____; however, the company may decide on a different end date.
I’m going to take some time off before deciding on what to do next.  For the upcoming month, my agent will be handling all inquiries.

Until we meet again, happy trails to you.

Disclaimer: nothing in the first 3 sentences is true.

Before printing this email, please consider the lumber industry and print 50 or more copies.

Oh my, am I glad I stumbled upon this file.  There are some very good quotes here from a business meeting from my days in the Interactive Technologies Group of ICON Clinical Research.

No logic here.
– Ken Files

I’m just lying.
– Ken Files

You’re going to stifle my creativity.
– Ken Files

The past is past.
– Martin Cleary

How does this fit into the bigger thing?
– Paul Colombo

Mid-august is not very far away.
– Paul Colombo (stated on July 29)

Rikki also kissed me.
– Debbie McCoy

Alcohol will be involved.
– Ken Files

Check back for more postings. If your name is mentioned and you’d like it removed, please email me at chris@focmnetworking.com and I’ll give your request strong consideration and may even might possibly act on it. Seriously, though I will remove it if you want me to.

Background: This all started at a US Sales meeting and in order to stay focused on what was being said, I started writing down the business cliches, like “let’s circle the wagons”, “let’s table that”, “always be closing” and then count how many times they were said. As I began paying attention, I would hear a phrase that was appropriate for the context in which it was said, but wow, it sure was amusing to see the phrase just sitting there by itself. That lead me to put them into a slide show show so the phrase was seen in its purest form along with the person who said it.  As this practice became known, the slide set became the unofficial and humorous wrap-up presentation, kind of a summary of the things stated over the course of the meeting.

I drink; therefore, I am.