stumbled onto this and hadn’t seen it before, funny.

 

This is all too funny, yet painfully familiar to anyone who is involved with conference calls with coworkers:

Submitted by the most tenured FOCM Member, my womb-mate for 9 months, Jon Matheus

1. Parallel lines have so much in common.
2. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
3. My wife accused me of being immature.
   I told her to get out of my fort.
4. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
   Then they call me ugly and poor.
5. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   One, they’re efficient and not very funny.
6. What do you call a dog with no legs?
   It doesn’t matter; it’s not going to come.
7. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.
   You have my Word.
8. What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
   A pool table.
9. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
   Even the cake was in tiers.

• Want to hear a word I just made up?
  Plagiarism
• Why do cows wear bells?
  Because their horns don’t work.
• What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
  Aye Matey.
• I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
  If anything, it made him more sluggish.
• Someone stole my mood ring,
  I don’t know how I feel about it.
• I tried to catch fog yesterday,
  Mist.
• Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
  If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

with an additional one submitted by Vicky:

• What do you do with a dog with no legs?
  Take it for a drag

I spotted this gecko flashing the Peace sign, while dining with Don and Carol Lewis at Nicola’s in Wilmington.

 

I had almost forgotten about these great commercials.  Worth another look:

 

One of the jokes my Dad kept in his inventory and now my brother has made it one of his standard go-to jokes.  The version my Dad told is different than my google search on “timbuktu limerick”.  Shown below is the way my Dad told it, I remember the poets names could and did change:

The two great poets, Alfred Lord Tennyson and Henry Wadsworth Longfellow have passed away and are at the Golden Gate.  St. Peter greets them enthusiastically: how wonderful to meet you two.  Unfortunately, we are nearly full of poets at this time.  I can only accept one of you at this time.   I will give each of you the same word and you must come up with a verse using this word.

“The word is: Timbuktu”, said St. Peter.

Tennyson went first:
” Across the hot Sahara sand,
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination- Timbuktu.

St. Peter replied, “that is very good. Henry, it’s your turn.”

Longfellow cleared his throat and began:
” Tim and I, a-hunting went,
We met three girls in a pop-up-tent,
They were three and we were two,
So, I bucked one and Tim Buck Two!

A vegan, an atheist and a cross-fit enthusiast walk into a bar.  I only know this because they told everyone within the first two minutes.

 

Spotted this bumper sticker in Wilmington, NC – it made me laugh

Spotted these in Hardy Diagnostics eNewsletter called MicroBytes

Things to think about:

Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Do you think that “I do” is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it make sense that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,  tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?